Not to Be Ruled By Fear

I've noticed more and more how much fear influences my decisions and my daily actions. I would love one day to have fear not play such a major role in my life. I wouldn't fear love or relationships or getting hurt or failure...or maybe I still would a little, but I'll find a way to just let the fear go instead of letting it rule me so and make me so anxious all the time.

Lots and Lots of Friends

I'd like to have a ton of friends - old friends, new friends, true friends, cool friends. I want to keep my friendships with people all over, but I also really want a lot of local friends. I want book club friends, dinner party friends, Jewish friends, queer friends, academic friends, down to earth friends, changing the world friends, inspiring friends, supportive friends, spiritual friends, traveling friends, personal growth friends. I'll be there for them, and they'll be there for me.

A Fabulous Relationship

As I deal with this break-up with Jerry and the aftermath of his verbal abuse, I have hope that one day I'll have a really solid, fabulous relationship. This is what I think it'll look like: we'll be there for each other - to talk things over, comfort each other, and support each other. We'll strive to meet each other's needs and have open communication. We won't be afraid of each other, but grateful. I want to be with someone who acknowledges that they're not perfect, but is working to make themselves better. I want the relationship to be a path for us to grow and heal.

There are things from the relationship with Jerry that I'd like to find again: someone who makes me laugh, who is strong, who likes to try new things and go to new places, who is committed to the relationship and doing whatever it takes to make it work (although clearly there is where we're getting stuck), who takes care of me.

But, I long to be with someone who will acknowledge me and my needs. I want to be with someone who wants me around not for what I can do for them, but just because they love me. I want someone who WANTS and encourages me to be whole and happy, even if that means doing things apart every once in awhile or doing something that isn't their favorite.

Return to Israel

I'm dreaming about returning to Israel. And having a family there. And a career. And some fabulous Jerusalem stone house somewhere in the German Colony or Baka with stain glass windows with lots of blue. The house is full of books and CDs of music and friends and family sitting around learning and chatting and sipping tea and eating rugalah and baklavah. I work at this institute that I created - the Center for the Study of Sexual Violence Prevention in Israel. I'm a part of this massive movement to counter sexual violence that is highly successful in reducing the prevelance of sexual violence. And there is peace. Yeah, this one's not so possible, eh?

The Kind of People & The Nature of Our Relationships

I would like to be surrounded with people with whom I can trust, be myself, and feel support. I imagine being surrounded by a nice community of people who I can connect to on different levels, and with whom I can talk about a number of different things with. I don't want to have to be afraid of having too many issues, but instead feel like I'm surrounded by others who are open about their issues and striving somewhat collectively to overcome them.

A Family of My Own

While I am grateful to have the family that I do (my sister and her kids, my parents, etc.) and for the friends who are like family, I would love to have a life partner and kids of my own. I want a routine based around making each other happy. I want people that are around any time that I need them to talk about anything that I want to talk about. I want people that I can do things for that I can count on won't be hurtful to me, that'll just be around at the end of the day, that will come to me to the important events of my life and whose life events I can focus on as well. I want to be surrounded with love.

A Few Hours of Fun

This possibility reflects my night out New Year's Eve. Last night, I was around a group of people who were non-judgemental, welcoming, warm, open. I met a lot of "good people" - people who are focused about being good to those around them. I didn't have anyone ask me about my research; I could just talk about different subjects and relax and enjoy the company and food and drink that someone else has spent a lot of time putting together. For a few hours, I felt surrounded by warmth, joy, and hugs. Hatred, spite, and manipulation did not exist. I think it would be nice to experience something like this on a regular basis.